Realisations and revelations - overwhelmed by darkness, still held by the light!

Realisations and revelations - overwhelmed by darkness, still held by the light!

Today ... 
outside in my garden and street ...
the skies are clear ... 
here!
Sun ...
shines brightly, 
but not scorching or blindingly bright.
Wind ...
stirs the garden gently 

My mind ...
recognises the beauty and gift of it it 
yet is unmoved.
My eyes ...
distracted by the mind-pain 
intense lately 
unavoidable 
like a black hole devouring light 
in unavoidable darkness ... 
see  
but don’t connect.

And my heart ...
registers wetness 
trickling down my cheek 
and with the realisation 
the trickle becomes a flood 
and the flood a storm tempest 

Heart and body 
join ... 
unbidden and unsought ...
in an eruption of wracking sobs, 
intense mental pain 
deep, deep sorrow ...
a kaleidoscope of heart memories ... 
            (can a heart really have its own memories?) 
flash strobe-like through my consciousness 

Two thoughts ...
recurring like freeway signs ...
in the midst of the frenzy: 
            “You can stop this ... (wracking sobs and flowing tears) ... you, have stopped it before!”
            “You need this, body mind and spirit .. you have stopped this too often before!”

I let the anguished turmoil have its head ...
for a while ...
then slowly ... 
like easing to a stop in torrential rain amidst bumper-to-bumper traffic ...
I focus on those two freeway signs ...
their warning ...
the declaration ...
new awareness begins to emerge ...
along with a question, repeating over and over:
            “For how long, and how many times?”
            “For how long, and how many times - have the tears bottled up when they longed to flow.”
            “For how long, and how many times - have you screwed down the lid on your pain?”

Now ... 
when will it stop?

Or ... 
is that the point ... 
that IT aught not ... stop that is?
for perhaps
health and well-being
gentle healing and released memories 
all may actually be birthed through those spasms ... 
breaking out from those life-giving, salted waters ...
And that ...
this-is a ‘perhaps’ worth trusting!

                                                                                                                                                                                    (amf-20200113)

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