Floydie

Firsts - 20181223 - With Ciddy at the beach ( day before our 53 rd  wedding anniversary ) So many times I watched her walk along the beach. It could have been any beach,  at any time,  in any country  and any season, sun or rain, hot or cold,  she loved them all Stones or white sand  and everything in between, it didn’t matter,  on every one familiar and inbuilt behaviours emerged … Feet bare,  sandals or shoes swinging in her hand pants rolled up, sometimes not quite far enough eyes wandering, watchful,  seeing sea and sand, sky and birds, people and pets,  but especially children and their families. Bending or crouching often,  to retrieve some small revelation of wonder,  a gift of nature, or tide, or humanity, mysterious and complex,  or just drinking it all in like a thirsty person in a waterless desert Paddling in the irresistible water,  small splashes,...

Firsts – A new start - characterised not by absence but by surrounding presence 20200211 Two chairs sit on a familiar, loved rug  they mark my first step towards inhabiting this new but anticipated space …  this waiting-to-become-‘home’ space. I look at the photo I took … somewhat blurred by the hands shaking with the joy of the moment …  and for the first time  my heart does not ache with the pain of your absence.  I do not see the two chairs as another sign that I am somehow incomplete …  or that a more appropriate setting would be one chair,  marking this inexplicable place so many refer to (unhelpfully) as ‘widower’.  I look at the photo  remembering the bubbling delight as I arranged the rug and chairs,  and I hear a still, small voice in my spirit whispering gently … “One chair is not a descriptor of who or where you are!” And again:  “Two chairs speaks to what was,  and  is,...

Realisations and revelations – Loves deep roots 20200209 A life-traveller journeys … carefully piecing together the jigsaw of their life,  unaware of the potential of those moments,  those signs and experiences of hope and possibility,  resonance and connection,  lessons in relationship and enrichment, lying dormant in distancing memory. Yet all the while the   jigsaw building journey  is nourished by new encounters and discoveries, penetrating deep …  and taking up lodging …  in insight and observation,  decision-making,  perception and priorities … . Not as some secret and unrequited desire or longing  for something  or even someone –  for days, months or years - but as providing nourished,  tended,  nurturing soul-soil,  wherein all manner of depthed meaning,  chance encounters,  valued friendships,  and journeying intimacies take root,...

Firsts-20190919 – For family and friends on Anniversary of Ciddy On the day when Ciddy left home in a Paramedic ambulance, I stood in our driveway with dear Hayley (our lovely neighbour family and dear friends), and my heart knew it was the last time I would see her off. Tomorrow is the anniversary of that day.  Over the next 22 hours, before the machines were turned off, I came to realise that on that very afternoon we had completed her foremost hope and planning … booked the travel for our beloved grandson, James’ June 2019 wedding in Greece. Signed and sealed in delight and joy just 5 hours earlier. With the knowledge came a deep and unchanging realisation that whatever would follow, Ciddy and I had no unfinished business, no regrets, no things unsaid. There was not a drop of loving unshared or unmet. Now, she has a particular, personal, place in the unfolding jigsaw which is my life … it is called “Miss You” , and it sits peacefully and in grace linked and joined t...

Firsts #10-20190921 – Reality turned on its head … and then regifted That night … 30/09/2018 …  Gradually,  we all  headed home. All of us were with her when she  sighed her  last, gentle, breath.   Each of us had our own moments  for personal goodbyes, our  space with her. Then, each one stepped into their special giftedness. Some organised  the undertak er .   Some  washed and  prepared her  now resting body .   All watched out for each other … then, James drove me to our place. No one knew quite what to expect next, this was uncharted territory. None of us anticipated, or planned, we just wanted to be together. Totally unexpectedly, but building one response on another, the night took a very different (but totally appropriate) shape. It was like a ‘Kinder Surprise’ all the recognisable wrappings were there, but when it was cracked open, something unexpected emerged!  Who could know, or des...

Realisations and revelations - overwhelmed by darkness, still held by the light! Today ...   outside in my garden and street ... the skies are clear ...   here! Sun ... shines brightly,   but not scorching or blindingly bright. Wind ... stirs the garden gently   My mind ... recognises the beauty and gift of it it   yet is unmoved. My eyes ... distracted by the mind-pain   intense lately   unavoidable   like a black hole devouring light   in unavoidable darkness ...   see    but don’t connect. And my heart ... registers wetness   trickling down my cheek   and with the realisation   the trickle becomes a flood   and the flood a storm tempest   Heart and body   join ...   unbidden and unsought ... in an eruption of wracking sobs,   intense mental pain   deep, deep sorrow ... a kaleidoscope of heart memories ... ...