Realisations and revelations - life, so-called - for the dead and the living

Realisations and revelations - life, so-called - for the dead and the living 20200124

                        (Evoked by Evocations #42 - How do I love thee ©️Amelia Koh-Butler)

Amelia and I are both on a life-journey called grieving. Both we and our now deceased life-partners share a long standing and deep friendship that has taken us through valleys of dark shadows and out again. Sometimes we spark each others’ writings, sometimes we respond to them. Our journeys are connected but unique, and these reflect that.

Promises, 

promises, 

promises ... 

not so much about life, 

but an after-life ... 

a life to be sought, 

anticipated,

longed-for even, 

a life to be prized beyond even the best in this life, 

to be envied and welcomed.

Always talk of the heavenly rewards: 

the land so much fairer than day, 

the place of peace and rest, 

of renewal and calm, 

where all turmoil and trouble ceases, 

pain is no more, 

broken and diseased bodies 

and minds 

are healed and restored, 

and death has lost all power to fear.

Attaining such life was the goal, 

and purpose, 

the design intent for the human heart and spirit - 

                  or that misguided Greek dualistic part: the soul - 

for every erstwhile, 

would-be, 

faithful disciple of the carpenter from Nazareth. 

At least, that is how my own teenage, 

young adult 

memories recall the testimonies.

Now ... 

according to that offering of ‘hope’ and ‘promise’ ... 

you are in that place! 

You rest in the tranquility and pain-free joy 

of that heavenly realm, 

in the sweet by and by ... 

and I? 

I am here ... 

disconnected from immanent reality 

and connected by a transformed reality 

defined by what I am not ... 

widower: the not, the un-married, 

one part of conversations, 

decisions, 

joyous discoveries, 

and nightmares 

of unaccompanied loneliness.

So much disappeared with you ...

so much of the ‘me’ that others see and know ...

birthed, 

shaped, 

matured (or not) 

through the forge of half a century 

of life together …

and apart.

Home has become house, 

or my place ...

even that defining by absence 

as much as diminished presence.

Your beloved little dog knows this absence, 

this diminished and strange semi-household ... 

she comes alive to joyous welcome 

only when other family members come 

and the emptiness is filled with familiarity.

I know ... 

yet how I long to know ... 

that when you left, 

it was not to a better place, 

a place where you were needed more 

or because a god loved you so much 

that you were needed more elsewhere ... 

I long to know ...

that in the changes which demand my attention 

disconnection is not elemental, 

inevitable.

I long to know ...

that this journey in grief 

and loving in grace 

brings with it new understandings, 

reveals depths of meaning 

and relating 

which build on all that we learned 

and midwifed …

together.

And ...

that new pieces for the jigsaw of my life journeying can, 

mysteriously, 

even counter-intuitively, 

emerge in life celebrating wonder.

On Christ, the solid rock I stand -

all other ground is sinking sand ... 

I have no choice ... 

for I know that to be truth-for-me ... 

even as all around me challenges it!

Therefore I struggle, 

wrestle, 

even despair, and yet … 

I trust the darkness …

And, I believe, therein is grace!

                                                                                                                                                                                    ©️amf20200124