Realisations and revelations – drawing closer to ‘thinner space’

Realisations and revelations – drawing closer to ‘thinner space’ - 20200127

Background … I began these writings on the sudden death of my life-partner of almost 53 years in September 2018. There are others which precede this, and they will be posted in due course. While they have been written over 15 months, they are not a diary or part of a journal, but arise out of this life-journey called grief. They reflect discoveries, naming of moments, identification of mysteries, questions answered and new questions identified, naming places and moments of grace. They are an offering … “one beggar showing another where they found bread!”


Yesterday … 
Invasion/Australia Day …
I journeyed into the Dandenong Ranges.
In my heart, 
the closest to “my country” 
in this adopted land of invaded space.

We began our life-partner journey there … Ciddy and I
Our beloved son and daughter were born there
We, Ciddy and I, returned there often.
There we knew peace 
in the enveloping rainforest 
and the echoing ringing of the Bell-birds welcome song.
The Kallista Tea Rooms, have welcomed us since 1966,
first, Old Nanna and us … 
with our new-born …
then other family, 
overseas ‘family’, 
and friends.
Site of grandson Beau’s introduction to Devonshire tea
and first solo outings with Nanny and granddad 
Recently …
first Ciddy and I remembering Kidlet …
then it is me, seeking what I lost …
the visits have been times of consolation,
and deep memories … 
treasured and comforting …
tears welling unbidden, 
smiles emerging unsought …
seeking what is lost
listening for a voice now silenced.

Yesterday was different!
Some things had changed …
unrecognised in the event,
unsought, at least consciously,
Known only through sleeps gifted space!
My mind still talks to you
And my heart still looks for you
But my (spirit) knows you are at peace

I treasure those words
they were discovered, 
not invented by me!
They are ‘Speaking words’
voicing truth …
partial, 
longed for,
emerging …
like toddler Jack
they play hide and seek
behind their own reality … 
A reality that is not always mine!

Even as I write
my hand reaches for them …
those  ‘Speaking words’ …
always within reach of memory … 
and of touch …
hanging 
near to my heart
with the ring 
that sealed the wonder …
and mystery …
of the commitment
two teenagers made
over half a century ago. 
Together,
their presence and place 
mark that unplanned 
unexpected …
and unwelcome …
quantum, 
tectonic,
redefinition … 
no longer “married” …
now “widower”!

This morning, 
as sleep crept away
and the doves’ soft cooing
entered my awakening consciousness …
an unexpected dawning
moved in my spirit
and even as I became aware of it,
gently overflowed over and in me.
Words whispered softly,
somewhere, 
in heart and mind,
with newly realised strength
and birthing truth.

My mind still talks to you …
Yes, 
But today … 
my talking does not feel like words echoing in emptiness, 
futile seeking for response where there can be none …
Now (at least today) …
something akin to that trusting
companionable knowing, 
that understanding and richness
which I miss so desperately …
is strangely, 
impossibly, 
accompanying me.

And my heart still looks for you
Yes …
there remain absences 
and distance 
which can no longer be filled
by the opening door, 
the reaching out hand, 
the quiet voice of one speaking to yourself, 
the echo of your laughter, 
and the wonder tours of a beloved garden …
But something has been added …
Awareness?
Revelation?
Slowly learned alternate reality?
Self-confidence trickery?
Maybe all of these … and maybe none!
What is birthing 
in my seeking heart 
is a realisation and experienced reality 
that your absence …
and presence …
are akin to my shadow …
sometimes in front, 
sometimes behind, 
sometimes to the side, 
sometimes invisible, 
always dependant on light … 
and when I am in a lit place,
I do not have to look so hard.
My childhood, 
and parenting, 
and grand parenting memories 
re-emerge with the wonder 
of those first discoveries 
of personal shadows, 
shadow games, 
and imagining. 
And other words come back to me …
“Except you become as a little child, 
you will not enter the realm of God!” (Jesus of Nazareth)
and: “… the realm of God is among you!” (Also J of N)

Could this be the kind of thing these ancient words mean?
That we learned the nature of some mysteries as children … 
and they are deeply rooted in this world …
the habitation of the realm …
and not in some separated, 
isolated, 
beyond-reach reality!
And so it is, 
that now …
today …
or at least this part of this day …
my (spirit) knows you are at peace!
And that …
that small reality… is sufficient … 
for now!
If this is what the saints and my Welsh ancestors 
recognised as a ‘thin place’ … 
where corporeal and spirit journey closely together … 
then this is an unexpected … 
and unplanned 
revelation, even joy, on this journey called grief!

Grace continues to abound!
And I learn just a fragment more what the saint meant 
when he said that “where I am … to be content!”
                                                                                                                                                ©️amf20300127

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